dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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