just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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