You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize