the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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