Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
