She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
