Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
