everyone is single if you try hard enough
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
