im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
