Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
