if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
