plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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