Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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