Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
