I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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