UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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