naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
