oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
