I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
