there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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