guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
