Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
