she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize