The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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