All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
