look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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