But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
