took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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