drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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