cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
