He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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