Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
