the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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