I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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