theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
