The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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