I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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