My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
