will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
