I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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