Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
