i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There's a naked man in my car right now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
