The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
