Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
