I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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