when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
