i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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