i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
