just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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