I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
