I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Randomize