remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I deserve this hangover.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
