Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
