Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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