my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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