i was rollin on her like bob the builder
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
