Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
