It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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