I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
