I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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