there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
