Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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